practical atheism

it's not a big surprise,
to anyone who has been anywhere near me, but
i've been having a really hard time.

on saturday, out of nowhere one of my friends called me to go on a mini road-trip.
i don't know why i said yes, it's a well known fact that i'm not the sort of person
who goes out of their way
to show they love others.
but i went.

it was great visiting with friends.
really.

but on sunday morning... i was dreading life.
i have reached a point
where i just don't care.
where, i don't want to care.
i don't want to think about how badly i've failed, or how much my life hurts.
i don't want to feel sorrow for widows and orphans,
i don't want to feel a lump in my throat when i think of victims of great tragedy.
i want to stare down injustice, and to win.
i want my stoicism to look blankly ahead, i want my cold heart to stare the results of sin in the face, because if i am unaffected
the victory is mine.

on sunday morning... we went to church.
lately i've been turning myself off when i go to church.
it's just an extra hour where i can think.
where my bitterness can grow.

in the opening prayer, we prayed to be disturbed.
i really did pray.
i knew the place i was in, and i prayed that God would reveal himself to me.
that i would want to tear my flesh off.

the next hour was one of the most convicting hours of my life.
i learned about practical athiesm.
a term i had heard, but never cared to acquire a definition for.

practical atheism is believing that there is a God.
but living life as if he doesn't exist.
believing that our private life, does not affect our public life.
that our will matters more than God's
that our effort is worth more than God's grace.

to be completely honest...
i've never had an "oh shit" moment.
where i knew that what God was teaching me was of utmost value
where i was seriously convicted of the life i've been living.
where everything was so plainly laid out for me,
on sunday
i had my moment.
i was in a room with hundreds of people... and some of my closest friends.
but i was utterly alone.
i was standing, before God, completely naked and vulnerable.
the affects of the way i had been choosing to live life, had finally caught up with me.

and instead or crawling up inside myself to decay a little more,
i went to God.
God, the only being whose blank stares communicate more than mine.
God, the only being whose heart is colder than mine.
but then i realized.
i am not God.

i realized.
my God is bigger than this.
my God loves,
my God is faithful.
my God weeps for the widows and orphans,
He feels great pain.
my God meets me where i'm at, broken-hearted over my decisions, and my life.
but my God embraces me, shelters me from what i cannot handle,
and purifies me with that which i can.