Lets talk about race baby, lets talk about you and me.

Here is the deal.
I am a sociology minor who grew up in the middle of nowhere.
Sometimes I feel as if that puts me at a disadvantage because there were no minorities to speak of where I grew up, so there weren't any overt race issues.
And that may be true, but I am just now grasping the seriousness of discrimination/prejudice in the United States.

Race is always something I've brushed off since coming into college. I can't say honestly that I stand by, unaffected by things that other people say, and I can't say that I've not said some of the same things.
But I'm getting to the point where I just don't know who to be upset with.

White people always say that black people have a chip on their shoulder, that Hispanics are lazy, Asians are taking "our" jobs and that Indian people are doing that, but also that they smell... or do that annoying head bobble, or even more ridiculous things.
And being the imperfect person that I am, I have found myself agreeing with some, if not all of the aforementioned stereotypes at some point in my life.

My point in writing this is that people seem to underestimate race.
White people always say things like, "racism is over, now the (fill in the blank) people need to get over it"
I'm going to be the shit-stirrer that I am and say... It's not.

White people are afraid of other races, and that comes out in prejudice or discrimination more often than not.
Since taking this incredibly bothersome sociology class this fall, I've come to see how real racial issues are.
In reading stories about pig processing plants where white people get paid more for putting together boxes, and Mexicans get paid dollars less an hour for standing on a 45 degree chopping floor, hacking apart pigs, with their extremities going numb.
And also in a story I read just this morning about Harlem drug cops.

I am so frustrated by this issue, it's hard for me to even vocalize my feelings.

But I think what needs to be done is maybe to STOP talking about race.
Because the ignorance which is oozing from the White people, Black people, Asians, Native Americans, Latinos, Europeans, Arabs, Muslims, Jews, Germans, Poles, Canadians, Brazilians, Australians, and every other race and ethnicity is holding back progress.
And apparently talking about it doesn't help.

Maybe I'll finish this blog at another time... I'm just really frustrated right now...

practical atheism

it's not a big surprise,
to anyone who has been anywhere near me, but
i've been having a really hard time.

on saturday, out of nowhere one of my friends called me to go on a mini road-trip.
i don't know why i said yes, it's a well known fact that i'm not the sort of person
who goes out of their way
to show they love others.
but i went.

it was great visiting with friends.
really.

but on sunday morning... i was dreading life.
i have reached a point
where i just don't care.
where, i don't want to care.
i don't want to think about how badly i've failed, or how much my life hurts.
i don't want to feel sorrow for widows and orphans,
i don't want to feel a lump in my throat when i think of victims of great tragedy.
i want to stare down injustice, and to win.
i want my stoicism to look blankly ahead, i want my cold heart to stare the results of sin in the face, because if i am unaffected
the victory is mine.

on sunday morning... we went to church.
lately i've been turning myself off when i go to church.
it's just an extra hour where i can think.
where my bitterness can grow.

in the opening prayer, we prayed to be disturbed.
i really did pray.
i knew the place i was in, and i prayed that God would reveal himself to me.
that i would want to tear my flesh off.

the next hour was one of the most convicting hours of my life.
i learned about practical athiesm.
a term i had heard, but never cared to acquire a definition for.

practical atheism is believing that there is a God.
but living life as if he doesn't exist.
believing that our private life, does not affect our public life.
that our will matters more than God's
that our effort is worth more than God's grace.

to be completely honest...
i've never had an "oh shit" moment.
where i knew that what God was teaching me was of utmost value
where i was seriously convicted of the life i've been living.
where everything was so plainly laid out for me,
on sunday
i had my moment.
i was in a room with hundreds of people... and some of my closest friends.
but i was utterly alone.
i was standing, before God, completely naked and vulnerable.
the affects of the way i had been choosing to live life, had finally caught up with me.

and instead or crawling up inside myself to decay a little more,
i went to God.
God, the only being whose blank stares communicate more than mine.
God, the only being whose heart is colder than mine.
but then i realized.
i am not God.

i realized.
my God is bigger than this.
my God loves,
my God is faithful.
my God weeps for the widows and orphans,
He feels great pain.
my God meets me where i'm at, broken-hearted over my decisions, and my life.
but my God embraces me, shelters me from what i cannot handle,
and purifies me with that which i can.