The Brain Thinkings of Rin K.C.

Dear Friend

2012-01-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

(Once upon a time I was having a miserable life, sometimes I wrote poetry that makes me sad to read now, but thankful that my life is so great)

i can't stop the tears.
but even if i could,
i wouldn't.
the tears help me realize
that i can still love.
i will always love,
i will always love you.

losing you hurts.
more than the words i write
could convey.

at times i am bitter.
for giving, and giving
getting nothing in return.
but because you let me love you
your smallest gestures mean the world.

people are only in our lives
for a season.
our season was cut short.
forced into this cruel winter
to die,
at infancy.
this is all we will ever have.
because soon we will be gone.
forever.

but i rejoice.
i rejoice at the thought of you holding up your end of the deal,
leaving though it hurts,
being brave enough to follow
God's plan for you.

there is no way i could forget you.
you're in my mind until the day i die.

dear friend,
i would not be offended,
if your love for me ran out.

dear friend,
i would not be offended,
if someone took my place.

dear friend,
i would not be offended,
if you forgot me.

but dear friend,
when we meet in heaven,
be assured,
i will not have forgotten you.

Persephone Inspired

2012-01-25T07:23:00.000-08:00

(I apologize for any grammatical errors, I just copied this down real quick so I could have more content)

First born
My love was not enough.
How can that be?
My love, my child, stay near
Stay near.
Dear daughter, I know
I know your desires
You want to run, to be free
Unhindered by my maternal woes
You have a good head-
I'm afraid it's not good enough.

Okay- I relent
Go- just go- there are things to be done,
crops to tend,
go-just go

Go... Just go.
I told you to go
I brought this on myself
Such a crazy old fool
to think you able to fend for yourself

First born
My daughter
My love
My child
Where are you dear daughter?
My heart is barely beating
consumed with sadness and guilt.
My child
My baby
Hades, why did you take her?
Were all the souls of the dead not enough?
You needed to rob me of my love
My child.
Such a fool, and incredible fool.
Her beauty outstanding.
Hell couldn't stay away...

My child,
My love,
My heart...
I can't

Pity the flowers, who think they will bloom.
the mindless crops who assume themselves to bear fruit.
Now they too look foolish.
Brown, dead, cold.
I can't care.
Not without my child
My love.

I want earth to feel my sadness.
My duty I have a abandoned, for lack of care.
I stare at the dead trees, unblinking.
The cold bites my face.
I could change this, I could.
They are not all dead, just sleeping.
Unlike my dear Persephone, they could be brought back.
But no, I laugh.
My heart is in agony,
I'm screaming in pain.
I curse this earth.
No more fruit shall it bear.
The cold will envelop my world, until my love,
my child,
my baby is returned.

A Class Experiment

2012-01-25T06:53:00.000-08:00

Your chains are tight, feet bound in lead dear girl
The girl who lived a life/misfortune.
For all to hear; if this, if all the world
Drinking, drinking from a gourd every portion
My dress a flowing river of silk, pink
You're bound dear girl by chains, those chains do suck
I do not profess a desire to sink
And down and down; for all of his great luck
Where is the luck that brings honor to family
Smiles abound, laughter around, I'm happy.
Scantily clad in the sky near your mom
I will not make my last remarks too snappy
Or else, if you ignore this plea of mine,
Look at my beauty and all I am fine.

I can only take credit for three of the above lines.
It was an in-class assignment.
And I thought if was neat.

I've done it!

2012-01-24T16:09:00.000-08:00

I've sold my soul to google, and I can't be happier!

Hello ad-sense.

And hello again blogiverse.

God's grace covers all.

2010-09-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those moments where you realize how utterly deplorable you are?
I just had one of those.

Hello world, it's been a while.

2010-02-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal.
I'm going to Hungary for spring break.
Regardless of whether or not I get all of the support I need (meaning I will have to foot the rest of the bill).

I know I only have $320 in (with $350 on the way...)
And I know that that still leaves a deficit of nearly $1000.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I have sent letters, I'm calling people.
I sent about a hundred facebook messages the other night.
It's not like I'm not trying.

Then, of course, someone had the audacity to email me and say, "Erin, you only have $320 in, you need to start calling"
Thank you for your support, I have been.
Do you really think I have the money to support myself on this???
Do you really think I'd just not care about this?

Sometimes it's not a matter of whether God wants you somewhere or not, or if you're "acting as if Got wont help you, but having faith that he will"
sometimes you just don't know the right people.

Does this mean that maybe God doesn't want me to go to Hungary?
Yes... that is possible.
But it's too late to back out now.
And the thought that God would make someone suffer, because they want to help further his kingdom is just ridiculous.

Sometimes the only thing that matters is that you know the right people.
And I do not.

The end.

Lets talk about race baby, lets talk about you and me.

2009-10-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Here is the deal.
I am a sociology minor who grew up in the middle of nowhere.
Sometimes I feel as if that puts me at a disadvantage because there were no minorities to speak of where I grew up, so there weren't any overt race issues.
And that may be true, but I am just now grasping the seriousness of discrimination/prejudice in the United States.

Race is always something I've brushed off since coming into college. I can't say honestly that I stand by, unaffected by things that other people say, and I can't say that I've not said some of the same things.
But I'm getting to the point where I just don't know who to be upset with.

White people always say that black people have a chip on their shoulder, that Hispanics are lazy, Asians are taking "our" jobs and that Indian people are doing that, but also that they smell... or do that annoying head bobble, or even more ridiculous things.
And being the imperfect person that I am, I have found myself agreeing with some, if not all of the aforementioned stereotypes at some point in my life.

My point in writing this is that people seem to underestimate race.
White people always say things like, "racism is over, now the (fill in the blank) people need to get over it"
I'm going to be the shit-stirrer that I am and say... It's not.

White people are afraid of other races, and that comes out in prejudice or discrimination more often than not.
Since taking this incredibly bothersome sociology class this fall, I've come to see how real racial issues are.
In reading stories about pig processing plants where white people get paid more for putting together boxes, and Mexicans get paid dollars less an hour for standing on a 45 degree chopping floor, hacking apart pigs, with their extremities going numb.
And also in a story I read just this morning about Harlem drug cops.

I am so frustrated by this issue, it's hard for me to even vocalize my feelings.

But I think what needs to be done is maybe to STOP talking about race.
Because the ignorance which is oozing from the White people, Black people, Asians, Native Americans, Latinos, Europeans, Arabs, Muslims, Jews, Germans, Poles, Canadians, Brazilians, Australians, and every other race and ethnicity is holding back progress.
And apparently talking about it doesn't help.

Maybe I'll finish this blog at another time... I'm just really frustrated right now...

my recent absence

2009-07-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

i've kind-of been out.
out of everything.
time, money, desire, faith...
this is what has been going on in my life.
1. tonight will mark my 98th night in a row that i have read my Bible.
2. today marked my 99th day without a job.
3. despite my unusual allegiance to the word of God, He and I are not on good terms.

i am struggling hard.
with everything i've been taught about God.

and that is why i've been out.

but i'll either end up dying or living so...
that's all.

2009-04-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

if i were to write something that wasn't oozing with bitterness and anger... no one would believe i wrote it.

practical atheism

2009-03-10T03:01:00.001-07:00

it's not a big surprise,
to anyone who has been anywhere near me, but
i've been having a really hard time.

on saturday, out of nowhere one of my friends called me to go on a mini road-trip.
i don't know why i said yes, it's a well known fact that i'm not the sort of person
who goes out of their way
to show they love others.
but i went.

it was great visiting with friends.
really.

but on sunday morning... i was dreading life.
i have reached a point
where i just don't care.
where, i don't want to care.
i don't want to think about how badly i've failed, or how much my life hurts.
i don't want to feel sorrow for widows and orphans,
i don't want to feel a lump in my throat when i think of victims of great tragedy.
i want to stare down injustice, and to win.
i want my stoicism to look blankly ahead, i want my cold heart to stare the results of sin in the face, because if i am unaffected
the victory is mine.

on sunday morning... we went to church.
lately i've been turning myself off when i go to church.
it's just an extra hour where i can think.
where my bitterness can grow.

in the opening prayer, we prayed to be disturbed.
i really did pray.
i knew the place i was in, and i prayed that God would reveal himself to me.
that i would want to tear my flesh off.

the next hour was one of the most convicting hours of my life.
i learned about practical athiesm.
a term i had heard, but never cared to acquire a definition for.

practical atheism is believing that there is a God.
but living life as if he doesn't exist.
believing that our private life, does not affect our public life.
that our will matters more than God's
that our effort is worth more than God's grace.

to be completely honest...
i've never had an "oh shit" moment.
where i knew that what God was teaching me was of utmost value
where i was seriously convicted of the life i've been living.
where everything was so plainly laid out for me,
on sunday
i had my moment.
i was in a room with hundreds of people... and some of my closest friends.
but i was utterly alone.
i was standing, before God, completely naked and vulnerable.
the affects of the way i had been choosing to live life, had finally caught up with me.

and instead or crawling up inside myself to decay a little more,
i went to God.
God, the only being whose blank stares communicate more than mine.
God, the only being whose heart is colder than mine.
but then i realized.
i am not God.

i realized.
my God is bigger than this.
my God loves,
my God is faithful.
my God weeps for the widows and orphans,
He feels great pain.
my God meets me where i'm at, broken-hearted over my decisions, and my life.
but my God embraces me, shelters me from what i cannot handle,
and purifies me with that which i can.

a new state of being.

2009-01-31T10:55:00.000-08:00

i am generally frustrated.
but now i am apathetic and bitter.

it was a day like any other.
i woke up, ate a sandwich, watched the episode of "30 Rock" which i had missed the night prior due to cru, and then i went to lifeline.
oh lifeline.
the best of the best.
we are leaders among leaders. the life force of cru.
you have to be ultra-spiritual and overtly solid to even step foot in the house where it is held.

so, lets just pretend that all of the stuff i said about lifeline was true.
regardless of what it is or is not, it is a leader's Bible study.
and it is a place that should be safe, where you should feel love.

last friday was the day i stopped caring about the world.
at lifeline.
i know exactly when it happened, and why it happened.
and i know that my response is not a Godly one at all...
but now i find myself stuck.
in the safest place imaginable.

please Lord.
take away my self reliance.

the transparency of me

2008-12-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

today a woman saw right through my vague facade.

it wasn't until today that i realized that being vague is one of my defense mechanisms.
i know i am vague, and say vague things... but it's a way of life for me.
because i dislike vulnerability so much that i've learned to speak only in generalities.
i don't know how i feel about that.
i don't like feeling vulnerable, but i also dislike the thought of no one knowing me.

when this woman saw through me, it took my breath away.
i was saying that i disliked talking about a certain thing with the girls in my Bible study.
and she said, "because it's something that you're struggling with!"
and the way she said it shook my core.
she wasn't asking a question, or waiting for me to enforce what she said.
she knew.
beyond a shadow of a doubt.
and in that moment, i felt so helpless.

the constant nature of my being

2008-12-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

i really hate coming to terms with my sinful nature.

most of the time i walk around acting like i don't need a savior.
then out of nowhere, my depravity consumes my whole being and shakes me to my core.
but it is only then that i can so clearly see the nothingness which i am longing for,
the temporary solace in my sin.

but the moment i find myself being my own savior, flaunting my sins and longing for a life of this world- i find myself consumed with the Saviors grace and love.
a love that is inescapable and a grace that is undeniable and all encompassing.
it is not fun to be in this place.
but i'm finding that the more often i find myself in this place, the harder i follow after Christ.
and the more i flee from the world.

romans 8:14-20
14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

2008-12-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

i have it.

2008-11-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

tonight i had a revelation.

i was sitting on my bed, and i put a bobby pin in my hair so my bangs would stop getting in my lip gloss.

not that i care how i look, but i was curious, and too lazy to move to a mirror, so i opened up photo booth so i could see if i had crazy crack hair or not.

anyway, it was at that point, looking into my webcam, i realized...

my life is exactly the way i envisioned it to be when i really thought i'd never be able to go to college.

i have a great life.

even though some things are falling apart around me, and i can't seem to keep a friend in my life for over a year...

i'm in college.

i have an apartment.

with some really great roommates.

i'm completely independent... and not worried about where my next meal is coming from.

not right now anyway.

in lieu of sleeping

2008-10-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

i find myself watching a true hollywood story on Soliel Moon Frye.

aka punky brewster.

have i ever seen punky brewster?

no.

do i know anything about Soliel Moon Frye?

no... well, just the breast reduction thing.

and yet... i'm still sitting here... not sleeping, turning my brain into gush.

knowing full well that i have church in 9 hours.

Where you lead me... I will follow.

2008-10-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

Fall Retreat was this past weekend.

It was very hard for me.

Not in the conviction sense...

In the sense that I already know that I've been called to being a missionary, and the whole weekend was about being open to what God wants for your life.

I mean... Maybe He really doesn't want me overseas?

I'd be okay with that.

And really... I feel like there is no way that I could go on a project this summer.

But maybe God wants me to?

Either way, I'm going to fill out an application...

Maybe God wants me to go with a completely different organization?

Cool. Bring them to me.

Maybe God wants me in Ypsi,

Maybe God wants me in Esky.

Maybe God wants me to work at I&A.

Maybe God wants me to fight for a well paying job.

Maybe God's plan is that I don't get a job at all this summer.

Yeah, whatever His plan is... It will be hard at some parts, but I know that I don't know anything He does about my life, and that I can only see such a minimal part of what He desires for me.

So yeah, I mean, it convicted me in that, no... I'm not trying for every opportunity and just letting God close the doors... but I was never against that in the first place.

Maybe I'm just jaded.

the secret life of Christians

2008-10-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

I know that I worried my parents when I was younger. I lied all of the time, even about the most trivial things.

My mother is not the smartest woman, and I am a very skilled liar, but she always saw through me. Even now in my 20's she can see though me, (though I would never admit it).

But now, lying is something that is rarely part of my life... Let me rethink that actually...

I rarely outright lie.

However, lying by omission is something that happens more often than I would like.

Since I've become a Christian I have found people who truly love me. No matter what. Everyone deep down thinks,

"If everyone knew everything about me, they would stop loving me".

I know for a fact that this thinking is errant. A lot of people know things about me that I had never dreamt of telling. And I still am so loved.

My problem I have found though, is that I am frequently punished for being honest.

Living in truth is the easiest way for me to live.

It causes a lot of people to scratch their heads and wonder how I can be so dumb. But living in truth is still way easier.

... To a point.

I can be blatantly honest about not trusting Christ, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, I've gotten more crap from my honesty than I have praise for coming to terms with my downfalls.

In my past, because of honesty, I have been asked to step down from leadership, prevented from getting an RA position, rejected from two summer projects, and wait-listed for a third.

My roommate had to fight to get me into leadership this year, because basically I was forthcoming about my faults.

I'm so happy she found a problem with me being punished because of this, and fought for me. But really... What kind of messed up world is this?

We are taught to be honest, and encouraged to live in the light.

And when I do, I get in trouble.

Doesn't that just encourage lies?

lisps

2008-10-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

There is something that is, to me, intriguing about lisps.
Not bad ones, when you can’t tell what the affected person is saying, or when the lisp is paired with the inability to say any word with the letter “R” in it.
I’m also not a fan of the “gay lisp”. You know, the forced, high tenor tone, paired with the egregious abuse of anything that could be misconstrued as “cute”.
I’m a fan of the completely oblivious lisp that somehow slips past the harsh ears of elementary school teachers into adulthood.

Sometimes I want to have a lisp, just for the day. Try it out.
Like those hair swatches that frame your face so you can see if you really want to go blonde.
In my mind, I think my day would go something like this:
“Hey, Mary, did you sthee that documentary about Canadian fish vendorth lastht night?”
“No... I didn’t, but did you per chance get a little more awesome over night?”
“Well, thort of... I’m trying out a lithp”

Unfortunately, I don’t have any friends named Mary, nor do I care about Canadian fish vendors. And I’m definitely not adventurous enough to try something that bold, and stupid, as to try out a lisp.

Intelligence, paired with a lisp is just... Neat.
Sort-of like the new internet fad, which is writing with impeccable grammar, yet avoiding the use of caps at all costs.
I find I am unable to do that. So, I stick with my snobbish caps.

AND SOMETIMES I WRITE LIKE THIS. BECAUSE I LIKE THE POWER IT GIVES ME INSIDE PEOPLES HEADS. YOU ARE NOW YELLING THIS INSIDE OF YOUR HEAD WITH MY VOICE, RIGHT?
I LIKE THAT.
But sadly, an unbelievable amount of people write in all caps, and totally abuse the power of yelling in other people’s heads. And when they do such, it is usually accompanied by very poor grammar and heinous misspellings.
So, I keep the caps to a minimum, trying to avert learned eyes from my grammar errors.
Because there are many.
Thankfully though, most college students are, to say the least, stupid. And for the most part they will never realize if I miss a punctuation mark or in an aloof moment, use the wrong form of the word “you’re”. Which I really hate doing. But, I find myself doing it more than I find socially acceptable (except that I have an insatiable urge to use write ‘you’re’ as opposed to ‘your’ at all times. Because I’m willing to bet that at LEAST 80% of people I know, do not even realize that ‘you’re’ is a word).